The Secret Stew
by Ace Oiler
Summary: A Secret stew is a brewing...that is, Dr. Yang has a secret plan for Izzie.
1. Chapter 1

**The Secret Stew**

**(燉的秘密)**

**Scene 1: 白蟻 (Termites)**

The hospital ward is dark and sterile. It's a slow night. In walks Dr. Yang and Dr. Stevens, talking amongst themselves, cooing like Doves in the nearly empty halls.

Dr. Yang: I got a real weird feeling yesterday, like I had bugs crawling up my legs. Have you ever had that happen to you Izzie?

Izzie: Well...guess it depends. When I'm with some guys, it feels like termites are biting me all over. I got lots to tell you about my love life, but I won't go into details.

Dr. Yang: Why not? This Asian wants to gab about what makes you horny. Remember that movie from the 70s "Full Metal Jacket"? My mom was the lady who said "sucky sucky five dollar. Me love you long time. Me so horny. Me soooooo horny."

Izzie: Really? How much did they pay her for that role?

Dr. Yang: What do you think... $5, duh!

Izzie: Love is a brutal thing. There's a saying that the love bug can bite you. That's what I was thinking about when you told me you had that bug problem.

Dr. Yang: It's not really a problem...it's just a feeling. The weird thing was...I had a dream where Dr. Bailey was gliding her tongue over my leg hair, ever so gently like a seal would, during this "bug feeling."

Izzie: Oh? Really! We used to do that for fun in the trailer park back home. It was a helluva good time. Now, I don't have much to bide the time with, except dying my hair this sick yellow color that's supposed to pass as blonde.

Dr. Yang: You can say that again! I thought a cat pissed on your head the first time I saw it.

Izzie: Some girls like to pretend their blonde because life seems like a foreboding place. That's why I decided to dye my pubes the same color. If you're all out piss, then the world can't get you down if you were half piss, half natural.

Dr Yang: What?

Izzie: Alex liked my pubes. He thought they were the prettiest color of orange. He liked to braid them into little plaites, then weave those smaller ones together. Then, (whimper), he'd make a little bow out of it, and say that it was our "creation"; that no one could take away this "love bow." It links us together in spirit.

Dr. Yang: Uhhhh. Want some coffee?

Izzie: No, I gotta scrub in today to help Dr, Bailey assist in one of her surgeries. She's doing a cock extension surgery for an eighty year-old man named "Mr. Texler."

Dr. Yang: Why would he need an implant?

Izzie: I don't know. To feel like he's king of the hill. McSteamy is supposed to perform the surgery, and Bailey is assisting. That means I'm assisting the assistant.

Dr Yang: If you've cooked a frozen turkey, you probably won't have any problem.

Izzie: I will. Attaching a 4-inch piece of plastic to Crisco isn't that easy.

Dr. Yang: Want to come over tonight after the surgery? I'm cooking dog testicle soup?

Izzie: Sure...and I'll bring the wine.

Dr. Yang: Okay. Be sure to bring a good bottle though, cause remember, I was in "Sideways!" Oooops! Sorry! Cut that one out of the film!

Izzie: Sure I will. What else are you making?

Dr. Yang: Ox hide stir fry with baby clam sperm. Mackerel caviar fried with live worms. Crab puffs made with puffs, well...ingredients from my own puffs, if you know what I mean.

Izzie: Mmmmmmm. Can't wait.

Dr. Yang: I'm also making a secret stew. We call it "Yuèjīng xiě tāng." Family recipe that goes back generations and generations.

Izzie: What exactly is that?

Dr Yang: You'll find out...hehehehehe!

**Scene 2: 後門 (Back Door)**

Izzie approaches Dr. Yang's apartment, reluctant to go to dinner because she still feels horny for Alex. She finally musters up enough courage to ring the doorbell. Dr. Yang opens the door.

Dr. Yang: Bring the wine?

Izzie: Yeah. Let's eat!

Dr Yang: The secret recipe is brewing now. Soooo good! It will provide us with magical powers!

Izzie: What?

Dr. Yang: You'll see.

The doorbell rings, and Dr. Yang opens it. Dr. Bailey is standing in the vestibule, her eyes dilated and her breath stinking like cheap whiskey.

Dr. Bailey: I got me this 40 on the way here. I'm feeling good, baby!

Dr. Yang: Come in. We don't wanna have you fall over in the hallway drunk!

Izzie and Dr. Yang drag Dr. Bailey into the living room.

Dr. Bailey: I's feeling soooo good tonight. Like I's a mystical Nubian queen!

Izzie: What happened to you? After the surgery, you seemed fine?

Dr. Bailey: Well (burp). After the surgery, I went to check on Mr. Texler. He was talking to me, real nice and all, and then he showed me a picture of when he was young. DAMN! He was a hot tamale. So, I kinda hot horny for him. He asked if I could test drive his new "addition." At first, I stood solid and said "No, I am a professional here to treat you." But then, I got so horny, I just jumped on his hospital bed, pulled his gown up, and I rode him like a pony, baby!

Dr. Yang: Wow...how romantic.

Izzie: Was it good?

Dr. Bailey: I could tell it was kinda fake. That didn't matter. A man stays a man forever! He took me on the ride of my life! The bad thing was, his...you know...weewee kinda broke, so we have to do the surgery all over again. Sorry, but a girl just can't help it!

Izzie: Alex and me like to go at it. Sometimes, we wake up the neighbors. I like missionary, he likes backdoor.

Dr. Yang: Speaking of stuff from the back door, let's eat!

**Scene 3: 什麼是酸 (Something's Sour!)**

Izzie and Dr. Yang make their way into the kitchen, leaving Dr. Bailey mumbling drunk on the living room sofa. Izzie uncorks the wine, Dr. Yang gets the glasses. A cool breeze wafts in the kitchen, rippling DR. Yang's cotton t-shirt against her breasts. Izzie watches, and blushes ever so subtly.

Dr. Yang: What? What's wrong?

Izzie: Oh...nothing. Sorry. I just, huhhh. Something got me there and I didn't know where I was.

Dr. Yang: Are you feeling all right? Maybe you should take a cold shower before we "sup."

Izzie: I'll go take one. I'm feeling kinda confused.

Izzie walks out of the kitchen, into the bathroom. Shortly after, the sound of falling water can he heard distantly from the kitchen window. Dr. Yang ambles over to her curio cabinet and pulls open a drawer. A translucent container filled with red liquid sits there. She gingerly picks up the container and dumps it into the boiling pot on the stove. She grins, glibly, as if she has EVERYTHING calculated. Izzie comes back, lightly drenched, still drying her hair with a towel.

Izzie: Something's sour! And it's not me!

Dr. Yang: That's what I'm cooking. Care to taste?

Izzie: You haven't told me what it is yet?

Dr. Yang: It's a secret, remember?

Izzie: Well, all right.

Dr. Yang: So is it good?

Izzie: It's-I can't describe it! It's like my whole mouth has gone dry. I feel tingly. I want to...you and me...to F-F-F-find a watermelon!

Dr. Yang: What?

Izzie: I want watermelon. Watermelon popsicle. Watermelon soup. I want watermelon. I'm hankering for it. Watermelon candy, watermelon tea. Give me a fucking watermelon tequila! Woooo!

Dr. Yang: It's ten at night! You really wanna go out and get a watermelon?

Izzie: Hell yeah, sister!

Izzie high-fives Dr. Yang, then grabs her purse and lumbers out the door. Dr. Yang follows after her, P.O.d and doubtful.

Dr. Bailey: What the fuck stinks like coochy up in here?

Dr. Yang: Go back to sleep, bitch!

**Scene 4: 伯德****嘔吐 (Bird Barf)**

While Izzie is going all out gathering all of the watermelon products she can find at the local market, Dr. Yang steps out into the street. She calls her mother, in a frantic mood.

Mom: Who that? Who calling me. This better not be Insurance Company trying to sell some plan to me! I got insurance. I very projected.

Dr. Yang: "Protected"...protected Mommy.

Mom: Whatever. Why you me call Christina? It late. Too late to call. I tired and mad. Tomorrow, I have go to Mr. Li store and see new perm on Mrs. Hsing. All the girls in the building say it look like a...how do you say...bird barf.

Dr. Yang: Yeah, that's interesting. Ma, that secret stew recipe you gave me is bullshit! She's not wanting anything but watermelon. You said it would hypnotize her.

Mom: Yes. This happen later. She is remember a very pretty memory from past times in long distance. She musta like watermelon. She will eat the watermelon, and be hyonopotomized, as you say.

Dr. Yang: Really? Oh (sigh) whata relief! I was freaking out there.

Mom: You no need to be geeked out. You need rest, o your hair look like burd turd bark like that afro Mrs. Hsing has. She say her daughter better than you, but I say "Yes, probably so, but my daughter doctor, you son a florist with a bank loan!"

Dr. Yang: Who are you? One of the moms from "The Joy Luck Club?"

Mom: No...I better. I more sneakier and wiser and know more and...

Dr. Yang: Bye, Mom!

Mom: No call back. Only tomorrow. Go to bed! And no lay-lay for you either...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: 西瓜修腳 (Watermelon Pedicure)**

**Scene 1: 臭腳趾果醬 (Stinky Toe Jam)**

Dr. Yang and Izzie heave all of the stuff up the stairs Izzie has bought at the market, they enter Dr. Yang's apartment, and Dr. Bailey is dancing to "It's Too Late to Turn Back Now" on the coffee table, still three sheets to the wind. Dr. Yang hurls 50 lbs of watermelon on the chair, overwrought and confused.

Dr. Yang: What the hell are you doing?

Dr. Bailey: I's practicing my dance moves. Look at this!

Dr. Bailey starts jumping, doing "the bird", making the legs of the coffee table creak and wobble.

Dr. Yang: Get the hell of my coffee table. Here! Drink some more! Here! You can have some more watermelon tequila that Izzie got.

Dr. Bailey: Hell yeah! Hook me up my my Chinese sister. We's all the colors of the rainbow up in here tonight. We got black, yellow, and trash white, I mean white trash, I mean white (giggles)! I's feeling so good. So good. Whooooo!

Izzie: I wanna join in. Turn it up Dr. Bailey!

Dr. Bailey turns up the volume of the stereo, and Izzie jumps up onto the coffee table with Dr. Bailey, whirling around on the coffee table.

Dr. Yang: Wow...it's a surprise that people really take us for doctors. Honestly, would you want us as doctors? We act like 13 year old girls on Ex...

Dr. Bailey: No problem with me. I like to take that shit when I eat some Churches chicken. I be seeing colors and once, I thought the chicken came alive. Too bad I don't have none now! Come on Izzie, shake yo'thang!

Izzie: I'm going! I'm going! It's my birthday! I like watermelon!

Dr. Bailey: Have you ever had a spark plug changed in Detroit? Best mechanics in the world. Once, in college, we was taking a road trip, and our car stopped over the bridge. There was a mechanic behind us that came up and did something with the spark plug. All I's saying is he can change my sparkplug any night, baby! He was fine.

Izzie: Let's paint each other's toe nails! Christina, go cut us some watermelon and do what your people know how to do best...you know...doing nails!

Dr. Yang: Fu-Oh, never mind. Sure! I'll be proud to go cut up some watermelon. You girls carry on with the dancing and the drinking, then we'll have a pedicure party!

Dr. Yang exits into the kitchen, with a bitchy smile on her face.

Dr. Yang: Don't worry, Christina. Everything will take its course in due time.

Dr. Yang emerges from the kitchen with sliced watermelon and three bottles of nail polish in her hands.

Dr. Yang: Sit down! Sit down now!

Dr. Bailey and Izzie stagger down to sit on the sofa, taking off their shoes, resting their feet on the end of the coffee table.

Dr. Yang: Dang Dr. Bailey! You got more corns than a Kansas farmer.

Dr. Bailey: I's works hard at doctoring. I gotta walk all over the hell of a big hospital, so I don't have no time to do nothing with them toe nails.

Dr. Yang: Still, they stink really bad. There's green fungus on your left big toe too!

Dr. Bailey: Oh, shut up! Don't smell as bad as this place. Stinks in here like Paris Hilton's coochy crack.

Izzie: How about my feet?

Dr. Yang: They're...beautiful, I guess.

Izzie: Thanks! I know they are. They're my best asset. I even bleach my toe hair, see!

Dr. Yang: Yeah. We should change your name to "Dr. Tang." Hehehehehe.

Dr. Bailey: You really isn't funny. Don't quit yo' day job.

Izzie: Go boil us some eggs Christina! I want some boiled eggs while you paint our toe nails!

Dr. Yang: (sighs).


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: 我得到了! (I Got You Now!)**

**Scene 1: 剝蛋和腳趾開裂 (Peeling Eggs and Cracking Toes)**

Dr. Yang fills a pot with water, cracks some salt into it, and waits for it to boil. She boils the eggs, brooding to herself her next step when the hypnosis will set in with Izzie. "Only a matter a time," she thinks to herself. Then I'll get what I want. Dr. Yang brings the half-dozen boiled eggs to the living room where Dr. Bailey and Izzie are yacking to the rooftops.

Dr. Bailey: Oh yeah! That don't beat what I did in High school. Once, three boys paid me to lift up my top to see my tatas, I did, and they gave me a quarter. Then, while I was showing 'em in the bathroom, the principal walked in, and sent the boys to his office. We did it right there on top of a toilet seat. That was one hell good time!

Izzie: Yeah. Whatever. I still think that my stint as the 7-11 hoe was a better story.

Dr. Yang: Egg lady here! Let's get peeling.

Dr. Bailey: Sure these eggs are just normal eggs? Hope they ain't little chicks in 'em like I saw off the Discovery channel.

Dr. Yang: Shut up!

Dr. Bailey: Oh no you didn't! No one says shut up to Dr. Bailey. I's a doctor, I's one hell of a good doctor too having to listen to you and Izzie and Meredith talk all day about your damn stupid ass problems while we got patients who need help.

Izzie: I like pink! That's my favorite color! Hurry up Christina! Let's go!

In three minutes, Izzie's toe nails were painted as seamless as an Armani suit.

Izzie: What did I tell you? They must be born with it...

Dr. Bailey: You's a racist, bitch. I think Ching Cchongs is nice people. They especially good at doing my laundry. They not only good at painting nails and putting computers together.

Izzie: That too.

Dr. Yang: I'm gonna paint your toe nails orange, Dr. Bailey. Just hold on while I file down this one big toe nail.

Dr. Bailey: It hurts. Oooo. Mama needs some more of that tequila.

Izzie: These eggs taste like shit.

Izzie throws one of the egg peelings on Dr. Yang's face.

**Scene 2: 在發呆 (The Daze)**

Izzie starts to stare off into space. Her mouth opens and spit starts to glop out of her mouth. Dr. Bailey is oblivious to this all, mumbling and bitching about how she loves to shop at the 99 cent store. Dr. Yang realizes that her plan is starting to take effect!

Izzie: Dododorororolaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Dr. Yang: What's wrong, Izzie? Is something wrong?

Izzie: Tutututututu (she farts a cheese fart).

Dr. Bailey: Damn, this place couldn't smell any worse. I mean really. Damn!

Dr. Yang: You better go, Dr. Bailey. You have work tomorrow.

Dr. Bailey: I don't wanna go. I's having a goooood time.

Dr. Yang: I said get the fuck out of my apartment!

Dr. Yang pulls Dr. Bailey from the sofa and pushes her out the front door, throwing her purse in her face and slamming the door. Dr. Yang sits close to Izzie on the sofa. She strokes her piss orange hair and chants to her a Chinese tune she heard in her childhood.

Dr. Yang: You will do good things for your master. I'm the master and you are the servant.

Izzie: I...the...s-s-servant. Yeah yeah. I do for you anything.

Dr. Yang: Anything I say is the law, and you are the follower. Now, there is something you have to do. I want you to seduce Alex. Be sexy. Work your thang. Then, I want you to slip this powder into his drink.

Izzie: Powder...p-p-p-owder soft, like Danish fo' breakfast.

Dr. Yang: Yes. You will come onto Alex and slip this into his drink. Then, you will make sure he drinks it. Tomorrow, you are both working the same shit. Do it afterward, in the locker room after everyone has left.

Izzie: Okay. I want wawamelon.

Dr. Yang: And you will get watermelon. If you do this thing for Queen Bee. You shall now call me "Queen Bee."

Izzie: Yes Queen Bee. I do that for you.

Dr. Yang: Excellent...

Dr. Yang wrings her hands and smiles a stone-cold grin.


End file.
